OUR FIRST SCAN

We've got a heartbeat...YAY!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what else to say besides, all glory to God!!!

I don't know who wanted to faint first, me or hubby......I tell you that was the longest wait of my life! At first, in other words the first few seconds of the scan I could only see the big black hole, and I thought, Oh no, please God not again!!!

And then within a wink of an eye...taaaaraaaa....a little bean with a flickering heartbeat....WOW the tears just streamed down my face!!!

I'm so happy and can only give God the glory and praise for this little miracle!!

So here's the first picture of our little star!!

Fear...

I have never been this scared in my life....

I know the answers, I know that whatever will be will be, I know that this is not in my hands, but in the hands of God. I know that whatever Friday will bring I will have to handle. I know that whatever the outcome I will get through it....

BUT, I just feel so completely out of control, and I DON'T want to deal with it if it's negative, I don't want to go through that whole ordeal, I want this baby!!!

Lord, you know my fears, you know everything about me, and I want to believe that this time You chose to bless me, this time I will have what I've asked from You so, so many times, for so many years. I want to believe that I had nothing to do with this pregnancy, but that this is the work of Your hand. I want to believe that You blew life into this little bean, and everything is right on track and that I will see a small glimpse of Your wonder with Friday's scan. Please let this be my turn, please let me for the first time in almost 7years see a heartbeat, and in a few months time, hold my baby in my arms!

Still going....

I didn't really want to post anything while I'm "waiting" for the scan.....just so scared....just now I post of all the things like preggie symptoms or saying how great it's going......and then who knows what news we will get with the scan.....

BUT, as someone said to me....for today ur pregnant, for today be happy and enjoy the miracle God gave u.......so if only for today I would like to share.......

First......I did another beta, for my own sanity - according to my last beta, doubling up until Tuesday, the count should have been about 5000.....well Beta was.....

8010!!

With the previous pregnancy I only had a beta of 1800 in week 6. So yes, that's awesome news for me.....and means that things this time is different!

Okay, the symptoms......Not much, just started out with the normal on-off mild cramps, one night it was very intense and freaked me out completely...but apparently normal? Okay, since then the cramps are changing a bit, it's more a "heavy" feeling in my uterus, now and then if I'm very busy or moving around a lot I'll get the AF cramp thingy, but not as much.
Boobies wasn't sore at first, but are getting worse by the day - the whole boob is sore! oh and at night they get worse!
No MS, just not so big on sweet things....which is strange for me........actually over all not a big appetite.....if I don't eat I have a "hol kol" on my stomach, so have to eat, but can't eat too much at a time...so weird...
I don't have the "oh I'm so tired I want to die"...which freaks me out...cause EVERYONE has it? Well, I don't? Have to say I don't really have energy during the day and go to bed earlier and when I sleep.....I sleep, but that's that.
Then last.....the mood.........jip, it's bad, it's really bad - something not so bad gets me worked up soooo easily and something not so sad gets me in tears in a matter of seconds!

Have to add this in today's story....Hubby is a star!! He does EVERYTHING, I'm not allowed to do anything!!! I feel like a queen!!! Dankie babes!

And that's my story........for today I'm pregnant, for today I have to believe that soon I will hold my little prince or princess in my arms, I have to believe that God has answered my prayers ........

Thank you God for what I have today! I'm truly blessed!!!!

Third and final Beta...

Okay, so this is the last blood test I had to do........

645...yay!

Now for a 3ww....oh my word......any ideas as to "HOW TO STAY SANE" would be great!!!!
Oh, and I had physio on my neck today....all I can say..holy moly....I thought I was going to die from the pain!!!!! I think I'll give a skip and just go for a nice neck massage at some beauty place.....the therapist almost killed me!!!! Eina!!

BETA nr 2

So far so good.......Beta nr 2 is:

266

Now I have to wait for 3 terrible weeks!!!!!! First scan the 14th of December.....ai, don't know how I'm going to survive for that loooong......
Please my precious friends, keep me in your prayers!

I'm in shock!!!!!

I'm preggies!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't know what to make of it, or even how to feel......I'm just completely shocked and scared and happy and did I say scared....all at the same time!
Beta: 127

Waiting......

Just waiting for the "mother-ship" to show her ugly little face!! No idea when it's suppose to happen....AND THAT'S FREAKING FRUSTRATING!!!

What will Christmas bring this year?

Everywhere I look people are shopping and getting into the Xmas mood! Everywhere I go I here Xmas carols and see lovely decorations......Yes, it always used to give me a warm feeling n my heart!
.....But this year........it's a bit different...I'm scared...I'm fighting old demons and trying to stay positive and tell myself that history will not repeat itself. This year was the most difficult, exciting, saddest, happiest year of my life....I don't ever want to go back.
Yes, we've come a long way, but everything is so very clear in my head. Xmass was the happiest day of my life last year, and in only two days after that all was taken away........
I look at the Xmas tree and think....there should have been a pressie for my LO....there should have been a LO sleeping safe and sound in his/her little bed.........
Instead, I'm fighting nightmares and bitterness.......I've lost so much, and feel that I now have to fight to get all that back again........
Please Lord, let this Christmas only bring me joy and happiness, let this Christmas wipe out all the hurt, the bad memories and bitterness that my thoughts have glued around it.......Let Christmas be a happy day again!

Why????

I just felt so hurt yesterday........like many other times a friend phones me in the afternoon......."will you please look after the two boys for a few hours?" Sure I said...."we don't have anyone else to look after them, I don't know what else to do?" she says.
Okay, the first thing that just completely makes me want to through down the phone....AGAIN I'm the last one to be phoned, I'm like in REALLY the last option! And I can hear the hesitance in her voice in leaving the kids with me......
No problem I reply, you can bring them over anytime.
"Okay, thanks, will bring them over" she says......
So 2hours later, nothing.....I phone her to find out what's going on, haven't heard anything from them? This is the 2nd thing they always do.......I always have to phone them to find out what's happening!
"oh, I'm still at home with the boys and hubby took **** to the...... I'm trying to get hold of my sister in law so that she can come watch the kids here....they're a bit sick and so they're difficult, but I'll wait around and let you know what's going on"
Till today haven't heard one word, not a phone call, not a sms - nothing just to let me know what's for what?
Let me just say this.....I know I have no "mommy" experience, I know I never had the privilege to bring my own children into this world. I know I have no experience in sitting up all night caring for a sick child..........BUT PLEASE I'M 30YEARS OLD AND WILL FOR DAMN SURE KNOW HOW TO BABYSIT YOUR CHILD! It's not the first time I've looked after someones kiddies!!!!
What hurts me so very much is the fact that the "chain" goes as follows: "her parents" "his parents" "her brothers and sisters" "the maid" "other friends with kids"............................okay let's phone Liv...........
That just really hurt and makes me feel so useless and not needed as a friend....why phone me in the first place if you don't trust me, and why phone if you in the end in anyways decide to not bring them, and why not just have the decency to let me know when you've made other arrangements????
I just hate being infertile, I hate being seen as someone who is good enough to give "extra" attention to your kids because I don't have my own, BUT on the other hand, who's not trusted enough or competent enough to babysit them for a few hours.........Please don't ask me again!!

Update on visit

Yes, and I lived to tell the tale....haha!
And just like I thought we got there, I was showed to the little dark office in the corner and told to take it all off "down under".......I waited and waited and waited...and finally Dr J came in...and asked....so what day are you on? uhhhhh......I dunno? So told him about my weird AF, or should I rather call it spotting....and then he decided to first do a scan before moving on with the hysteroscopy....SAVED BY THE LINING Y'ALL! Nope he said, lining too thick, way too thick......and what have we here on the left hand side.....ahhhhh, look we have a follicle....13mm....okay, and right side.....ahhhhh, another one 13mm........
Looks like you're going or have ovulated on your own girl....WHAT???
Okay, so I had to do a blood test to determine whether I've ovulated already or not. So we had two options, should the test say not ovulated yet, we can let them regulate it and do a timed cycle, OR just do our own thing and phone them for a hysteroscopy appointment when AF starts...and then onto BCP and IVF January......
The test said not ovulated yet.....We decided to pick nr 2 - we've been down the timed cycle road so many times, and the 4hour drive for scans will just be ridiculous for something so more likely to NOT be than to be.......Anyhow, we'd rather safe that money for IVF.
I'm not having so much confidence in my "natural" cycles anyways.......you just don't know what you're gonna get???
So..............to wrap it up.........the good news is the environment is ready, and my hormones are working again...yay for that! Waiting for AF and then off to FS again for the dreaded hysteroscopy and then believe it or not, for the first time in 6years on BCP! And that's all she wrote for the year 2009....Please note that this is MY version, God may have a completely different plan...I trust Him and know He knows best, so I'm in!!!!!

Long time no see....

What did I say the very first time I blogged??? BAD BLOGGER! I'm trying here!!
Okay, so 2morrow I'm having an office hysteroscopy....well I think that's what they call it.....Anyhow, it's been about a month since I had the lap and tomorrow Dr J will check if everything is in place. I had to take hormones, estrofem and provera, oh my goodie...u can just call me M.O.N.S.T.E.R!! Besides the terrible headaches I had the worst mood swings ever! I don't want to know what I'll be like on the REAL DEAL! Eish... But now the bummer.....I was suppose to only get my period after I finished with the pills and a week before I had the worst period pain ever and started spotting...phoned the sister and she said to just continue with the hormones as it's only "post-op" bleeding......So, had some bleeding the 2nd day, not much and not the normal, and then nothing......
Then after I finished with the pills I had spotting, without cramps, for two days and gone, just nothing????
So this is where I stand.......don't know if I had my period or not? Don't know which day I'm at? Also don't know if they'll be able to do the hysterocopy? don't know when my next period is due???? did I ovulate?
I guess the FS will just have to tell me what is going on, we'll just have to wait and see.......Oh and I'm soooooo not in the mood for another "open up" and say "ahhhh" tomorrow...but oh well, that's the story of my life, not the first, not the last......
To be continued.......

Blog land....

Oh my word......never knew that "blog land" can sometimes just go so terribly wrong!
So, here's what I think of it....
I think it's a place and space where u can just be yourself, a place where u should be able to write what u feel when u feel it. It's nice to have friends visit and comment on your blog, but that's not the reason why u write!! If u read someones post and have a comment and it's not something good..shut the hell up! I don't think u post just to hear if someone else is offended by your blog, in any case I don't think anyone should feel offended by poeples feelings.....if u don't like, get out!
Yes, if someone talks about u, u for sure have the right to comment, good or bad....but when u blog your feelings, good and bad, it should be respected. U should be able to be open and honest here, hell where else will u be able to let it all out......and ja, it won't always be nice, and sometimes it's not even who u are...it's just the way u feel at that point in time.
So, if u follow or like reading someones blog - good for u, most likely that u will get good out of it, however if you don't STOP going there!
Just my thoughts...take it, leave it, use it or loose it!!!

Dr Google NOT always your friend!

Oh my word, big mistake sitting home and doing nothing! Been hanging around the house, can't ly down anymore, can't watch tv, so what do I do......I google!!

So, I google - LOW AMH - bad, bad very bad. There's so many woman out there so very worried about their very low level, which in most cases are 5 and above, and have had unsuccessful IVF's...and I'm like WHAT?????...mine is 0.26!!!!!

Some thoughts going through my head:
I must be crazy to think that IVF will just do the trick...I don't even know if there will be any eggs to retrieve, will they fertilise, will there be something to put back????oh shittttt - the fear is just overwhelming!
I'm trying to stay positive and yes I do have hope, a friend of mine fell preggies with her first IVF attempt, also with very similiar levels to mine...BUT who says I will react the same to the meds???

I guess it's no good thinking of WHAT IF, WHAT IF, I'll have to face this demon, and I will have to walk the walk, one step at a time. Thank God I'm not alone, He said that He will never leave me nor forsake me....He promised me good...so that will have to do....I'll have to give over all my fears and trust that whatever the outcome, WE'LL BE OKAY!!

No more Dr Google for me today!!!

One down!

So had my 4th lap done yesterday and all went well. I was soooo scared of going in, the thought of getting anymore bad news was just terrifying. And evertyhing was new this time, new Dr, new hospital, new everything. But in the end all turned out good, Dr V took out alot of scarring, tubes clean, uterus clean and about no endo...yay for that! Bad news is that my ovaries look like a 45year old woman - dried prunes as he said it. As we already know, the real challenge will be to get a real good egg or two, the nest is ready...just bring on the eggies!

I'm just so glad that it's over and done with, and my hubby stood by me, supported and pampered me every step of the way! For the first time on this journey I really feel that we are together in this, for the first time he wants this as bad as I want it. For the first time I can just relax and follow his lead.....love it, love him!

I don't think "other" couples get it, you know, couples not on the IF road. They will never get what this thing can do to your marriage. In the beginning it's all fun and games, practise as they say.....but month after month, year after year with BFN's aren't so much fun anymore. Days are counted and everything is on hold until day12 -16, whether you in the mood or not...then no sex thereafter, cause just say I'm preggies, don't want to risk loosing the pregnancy......You just wake up one day, and realise that you've lost that something special, you've become so opsessed with having a baby that you forgot the reason why you started this thing in the first place....I almost lost my best friend, or rather yes, I did loose my best friend for a little while.....and the day I realised this, that was the saddest day of my life. We were lost for a little while.....

But we found each other again, lots and lots of haertache later, lots of tears, anger, bitterness and then............ forgiveness......We did it - we found each other again! Yes, I want children, but I want the world to see what true love looks like, I want YOUR baby, I want a family WITH you! I love the way you touch me, I love the way you look at me, I love the way we make love and NEVER EVER want to loose that again. Children or no children, I always want you by my side and as I promised to love you, I also promised that I will never ever leave you behind again.....never!!!

Just hanging....

Not much news this side, I'm just hanging, waiting for AF to arrive so that I can get the lap over and done with!
I've heard that those IVF meds are evil.....they like attack your muscles and turn them into fat...holy crap!! Not good! LOL
So, for now I'm focusing on my myself....jip...just myself - I'm at the gym every week day for 30min (yes I know not much, but at least something), I'm trying, not always getting it right, but trying to eat healthly....I love chocalate!!! But I have a limit of ONE a week, well try! I'm drinking vitamins to build a small country, and I'm doing acupuncture once a week...fantastic - great stress reliever people - do it!!
Other than that just trying to relax and ja, sometimes, just sometimes day dream of a little miracle happening before our IVF...just sometimes....

The results....

Had our very first appointment with Dr. J on Thursday....yay and oh no!! Yay I think Dr J is awesome!!! And oh no for the my results!
Okay so first things first....my results as follows:
AMH: 0.26 (VERY BAD) Please note I'm 30, no 80!
FSH: 14 (VERY BAD)
HSG: Damaged all over the place -ovary, tube, uterus...bla,bla,bla
Endo: Most prob back in full force.
Hubby's SA: GREAT!! Doc says he has about 3 healthy sperms for every woman wanting to get pregnant in South-Africa...LOL! (Sorry girls, this one is mine!!)
So, the POA is to do another lap, so far scheduled for the 29th of Sept, then we start with our very first IVF, I wish I could say first and last - but with my results it will be a miracle if we can just get some eggs to put back!
Yes, I was devasted, at first I couldn't even cry, it was just soooo much information that I didn't know what to do with...and then...took me about half an hour...the windows of heaven opened...I cried my eyes out!!! Poor hubby..what can the man say...LOL
So after all the crying and thinking and thinking and thinking.........here's where I'm at. This is what I've got, nothing I did caused it - NOT my fault, nothing I can personally do to change what I have, so deal with it and work with what you've got sista! I can only give it my best shot, and let me tell you this, I'm NOT GIVING UP - I WANT MY BABY!!!
So....I'm holding onto all my promises that God gave me, to the fact that He is good all the time! That what He's done for others, He'll do for me! Does my situation call for a miracle...hell yes - then I'm in the right place at the right time for God to do what He loves doing!
Yes, I'm scared and yes I'm excited....but this is my journey and I have to believe that sooner or later I will hold my baby in my arms!

SO FAR.....

And so the IVF journey begins.........
Yesterday I had day 2 bloods done, and today day 3 bloods - let me just say this for the record, the same tests I've done a million times. Anyhow, the first at VL and I guess I would much more prefer them to double check everything before starting the actual procedure. So today I made my first appointment, I will be seeing Dr J on Thursday, where I will be doing my very first HSG, and hubby his 4th sperm sample...shame, poor man, or shall I rather say - poor me!
Financially we know this so far: Bloods for day 2 & 3 (his & hers) - don't know yet? (hopefully medical aid will cover). Consultation at VL @ R980. HSG @ R1400. Hubby's "hand job" @ R550 and that's that so far.......
Okay, let's see....prep for IVF - Staminogrow, Follic acid, Omega 3,6,9. Healthy eating, cutting out as much carbs and sugar as possible. Acupunture from next week, mainly to reduce my stress levels.....I'm not good in that department!

I will definately not get an award on writing, this looks more than a telegram than a post....haha. Well mainly it's for me to look back and remember exactly how, when and who. After all, this is part of my journey, and hopefully soon, very soon I will write about my pregnancy, birth and my little angel /s!!

Then last but not least........today I'm excited. My husband is a rock and I love the way he is interested in every little TTC detail, how he asks questions about the IVF. I love the way he comforts me and how he wants to be involved and be part of every bit of this! I love the way he speaks about our future children and love the feeling of not being alone!!!

PMS & month-end!!!

They do NOT go together ya'all!!! This is the 2nd month in a row that the craziest time at work is gift wrapped with PMS!!! Nasty!
The good news is that I'm doing my blood tests 2morow (AGAIN)and Monday I have to make my very first appointment with Vitalab. I will be seeing Dr J and on the same day do a HSG, so ALL-IN-ONE! We are actually starting with our first IVF...the actual plan was to do the procedure in November, but I've taken some very good advice from friends who's been there, done that -and it's not always something you just jump in at and do - it can take months from your first visit. I have endo, so will probably have to get rid of that first, there goes one month, and because I have a low egg reserve will most prob be put on birth controll for a month....
So we're starting now, I just really don't want another year to go by without doing IVF!
Okay, so at this stage I'm excited and very nervous, I'm realistic and know that so many things can go wrong, I know that even if everthing goes right it can still be a BFN! BUT I also know that I've got a very good chance of being pregnant by the end of the year!!!
So cheers to that!

My very first post...

Wow.....I actually did it! Today is my very first post.. Well done Liv...Don't know if I'll actually be a very good blogger, not always in the "mood" after work to write down my thoughts....but we'll see.

Today...well today was a difficult day for me, hubby's been away since Monday and only coming back 2morow. It's hard being alone, it's like negative ugly thoughts are eating away my flesh! JA, I know you can call me "DRAMA QUEEN".
Today it feels like I just CAN'T move on with my life...Today my haert is sore, cause I remember, I remember the rejection, I remember the shame, I remember the intense loneliness and I wonder if a person can really truly heal? Does it get better, yes, for me so far much better, but will it ever be completely healed? I'm sad cause I will NEVER be that person I used to be, life happened I guess....

Lets see if this writing "thing" helps me along my journey. Soon I will have the "balls" to write down all the things that I'm so very very ashamed off.....I just don't trust this new thing YET...o, and this is life lesson # 101, TRUST is not something you get for free, you gotta earn it!

So that's me for now....oor en uit.