Third and final Beta...

Okay, so this is the last blood test I had to do........

645...yay!

Now for a 3ww....oh my word......any ideas as to "HOW TO STAY SANE" would be great!!!!
Oh, and I had physio on my neck today....all I can say..holy moly....I thought I was going to die from the pain!!!!! I think I'll give a skip and just go for a nice neck massage at some beauty place.....the therapist almost killed me!!!! Eina!!

BETA nr 2

So far so good.......Beta nr 2 is:

266

Now I have to wait for 3 terrible weeks!!!!!! First scan the 14th of December.....ai, don't know how I'm going to survive for that loooong......
Please my precious friends, keep me in your prayers!

I'm in shock!!!!!

I'm preggies!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't know what to make of it, or even how to feel......I'm just completely shocked and scared and happy and did I say scared....all at the same time!
Beta: 127

Waiting......

Just waiting for the "mother-ship" to show her ugly little face!! No idea when it's suppose to happen....AND THAT'S FREAKING FRUSTRATING!!!

What will Christmas bring this year?

Everywhere I look people are shopping and getting into the Xmas mood! Everywhere I go I here Xmas carols and see lovely decorations......Yes, it always used to give me a warm feeling n my heart!
.....But this year........it's a bit different...I'm scared...I'm fighting old demons and trying to stay positive and tell myself that history will not repeat itself. This year was the most difficult, exciting, saddest, happiest year of my life....I don't ever want to go back.
Yes, we've come a long way, but everything is so very clear in my head. Xmass was the happiest day of my life last year, and in only two days after that all was taken away........
I look at the Xmas tree and think....there should have been a pressie for my LO....there should have been a LO sleeping safe and sound in his/her little bed.........
Instead, I'm fighting nightmares and bitterness.......I've lost so much, and feel that I now have to fight to get all that back again........
Please Lord, let this Christmas only bring me joy and happiness, let this Christmas wipe out all the hurt, the bad memories and bitterness that my thoughts have glued around it.......Let Christmas be a happy day again!

Why????

I just felt so hurt yesterday........like many other times a friend phones me in the afternoon......."will you please look after the two boys for a few hours?" Sure I said...."we don't have anyone else to look after them, I don't know what else to do?" she says.
Okay, the first thing that just completely makes me want to through down the phone....AGAIN I'm the last one to be phoned, I'm like in REALLY the last option! And I can hear the hesitance in her voice in leaving the kids with me......
No problem I reply, you can bring them over anytime.
"Okay, thanks, will bring them over" she says......
So 2hours later, nothing.....I phone her to find out what's going on, haven't heard anything from them? This is the 2nd thing they always do.......I always have to phone them to find out what's happening!
"oh, I'm still at home with the boys and hubby took **** to the...... I'm trying to get hold of my sister in law so that she can come watch the kids here....they're a bit sick and so they're difficult, but I'll wait around and let you know what's going on"
Till today haven't heard one word, not a phone call, not a sms - nothing just to let me know what's for what?
Let me just say this.....I know I have no "mommy" experience, I know I never had the privilege to bring my own children into this world. I know I have no experience in sitting up all night caring for a sick child..........BUT PLEASE I'M 30YEARS OLD AND WILL FOR DAMN SURE KNOW HOW TO BABYSIT YOUR CHILD! It's not the first time I've looked after someones kiddies!!!!
What hurts me so very much is the fact that the "chain" goes as follows: "her parents" "his parents" "her brothers and sisters" "the maid" "other friends with kids"............................okay let's phone Liv...........
That just really hurt and makes me feel so useless and not needed as a friend....why phone me in the first place if you don't trust me, and why phone if you in the end in anyways decide to not bring them, and why not just have the decency to let me know when you've made other arrangements????
I just hate being infertile, I hate being seen as someone who is good enough to give "extra" attention to your kids because I don't have my own, BUT on the other hand, who's not trusted enough or competent enough to babysit them for a few hours.........Please don't ask me again!!

Update on visit

Yes, and I lived to tell the tale....haha!
And just like I thought we got there, I was showed to the little dark office in the corner and told to take it all off "down under".......I waited and waited and waited...and finally Dr J came in...and asked....so what day are you on? uhhhhh......I dunno? So told him about my weird AF, or should I rather call it spotting....and then he decided to first do a scan before moving on with the hysteroscopy....SAVED BY THE LINING Y'ALL! Nope he said, lining too thick, way too thick......and what have we here on the left hand side.....ahhhhh, look we have a follicle....13mm....okay, and right side.....ahhhhh, another one 13mm........
Looks like you're going or have ovulated on your own girl....WHAT???
Okay, so I had to do a blood test to determine whether I've ovulated already or not. So we had two options, should the test say not ovulated yet, we can let them regulate it and do a timed cycle, OR just do our own thing and phone them for a hysteroscopy appointment when AF starts...and then onto BCP and IVF January......
The test said not ovulated yet.....We decided to pick nr 2 - we've been down the timed cycle road so many times, and the 4hour drive for scans will just be ridiculous for something so more likely to NOT be than to be.......Anyhow, we'd rather safe that money for IVF.
I'm not having so much confidence in my "natural" cycles anyways.......you just don't know what you're gonna get???
So..............to wrap it up.........the good news is the environment is ready, and my hormones are working again...yay for that! Waiting for AF and then off to FS again for the dreaded hysteroscopy and then believe it or not, for the first time in 6years on BCP! And that's all she wrote for the year 2009....Please note that this is MY version, God may have a completely different plan...I trust Him and know He knows best, so I'm in!!!!!

Long time no see....

What did I say the very first time I blogged??? BAD BLOGGER! I'm trying here!!
Okay, so 2morrow I'm having an office hysteroscopy....well I think that's what they call it.....Anyhow, it's been about a month since I had the lap and tomorrow Dr J will check if everything is in place. I had to take hormones, estrofem and provera, oh my goodie...u can just call me M.O.N.S.T.E.R!! Besides the terrible headaches I had the worst mood swings ever! I don't want to know what I'll be like on the REAL DEAL! Eish... But now the bummer.....I was suppose to only get my period after I finished with the pills and a week before I had the worst period pain ever and started spotting...phoned the sister and she said to just continue with the hormones as it's only "post-op" bleeding......So, had some bleeding the 2nd day, not much and not the normal, and then nothing......
Then after I finished with the pills I had spotting, without cramps, for two days and gone, just nothing????
So this is where I stand.......don't know if I had my period or not? Don't know which day I'm at? Also don't know if they'll be able to do the hysterocopy? don't know when my next period is due???? did I ovulate?
I guess the FS will just have to tell me what is going on, we'll just have to wait and see.......Oh and I'm soooooo not in the mood for another "open up" and say "ahhhh" tomorrow...but oh well, that's the story of my life, not the first, not the last......
To be continued.......