One down!

So had my 4th lap done yesterday and all went well. I was soooo scared of going in, the thought of getting anymore bad news was just terrifying. And evertyhing was new this time, new Dr, new hospital, new everything. But in the end all turned out good, Dr V took out alot of scarring, tubes clean, uterus clean and about no endo...yay for that! Bad news is that my ovaries look like a 45year old woman - dried prunes as he said it. As we already know, the real challenge will be to get a real good egg or two, the nest is ready...just bring on the eggies!

I'm just so glad that it's over and done with, and my hubby stood by me, supported and pampered me every step of the way! For the first time on this journey I really feel that we are together in this, for the first time he wants this as bad as I want it. For the first time I can just relax and follow his lead.....love it, love him!

I don't think "other" couples get it, you know, couples not on the IF road. They will never get what this thing can do to your marriage. In the beginning it's all fun and games, practise as they say.....but month after month, year after year with BFN's aren't so much fun anymore. Days are counted and everything is on hold until day12 -16, whether you in the mood or not...then no sex thereafter, cause just say I'm preggies, don't want to risk loosing the pregnancy......You just wake up one day, and realise that you've lost that something special, you've become so opsessed with having a baby that you forgot the reason why you started this thing in the first place....I almost lost my best friend, or rather yes, I did loose my best friend for a little while.....and the day I realised this, that was the saddest day of my life. We were lost for a little while.....

But we found each other again, lots and lots of haertache later, lots of tears, anger, bitterness and then............ forgiveness......We did it - we found each other again! Yes, I want children, but I want the world to see what true love looks like, I want YOUR baby, I want a family WITH you! I love the way you touch me, I love the way you look at me, I love the way we make love and NEVER EVER want to loose that again. Children or no children, I always want you by my side and as I promised to love you, I also promised that I will never ever leave you behind again.....never!!!

Just hanging....

Not much news this side, I'm just hanging, waiting for AF to arrive so that I can get the lap over and done with!
I've heard that those IVF meds are evil.....they like attack your muscles and turn them into fat...holy crap!! Not good! LOL
So, for now I'm focusing on my myself....jip...just myself - I'm at the gym every week day for 30min (yes I know not much, but at least something), I'm trying, not always getting it right, but trying to eat healthly....I love chocalate!!! But I have a limit of ONE a week, well try! I'm drinking vitamins to build a small country, and I'm doing acupuncture once a week...fantastic - great stress reliever people - do it!!
Other than that just trying to relax and ja, sometimes, just sometimes day dream of a little miracle happening before our IVF...just sometimes....

The results....

Had our very first appointment with Dr. J on Thursday....yay and oh no!! Yay I think Dr J is awesome!!! And oh no for the my results!
Okay so first things first....my results as follows:
AMH: 0.26 (VERY BAD) Please note I'm 30, no 80!
FSH: 14 (VERY BAD)
HSG: Damaged all over the place -ovary, tube, uterus...bla,bla,bla
Endo: Most prob back in full force.
Hubby's SA: GREAT!! Doc says he has about 3 healthy sperms for every woman wanting to get pregnant in South-Africa...LOL! (Sorry girls, this one is mine!!)
So, the POA is to do another lap, so far scheduled for the 29th of Sept, then we start with our very first IVF, I wish I could say first and last - but with my results it will be a miracle if we can just get some eggs to put back!
Yes, I was devasted, at first I couldn't even cry, it was just soooo much information that I didn't know what to do with...and then...took me about half an hour...the windows of heaven opened...I cried my eyes out!!! Poor hubby..what can the man say...LOL
So after all the crying and thinking and thinking and thinking.........here's where I'm at. This is what I've got, nothing I did caused it - NOT my fault, nothing I can personally do to change what I have, so deal with it and work with what you've got sista! I can only give it my best shot, and let me tell you this, I'm NOT GIVING UP - I WANT MY BABY!!!
So....I'm holding onto all my promises that God gave me, to the fact that He is good all the time! That what He's done for others, He'll do for me! Does my situation call for a miracle...hell yes - then I'm in the right place at the right time for God to do what He loves doing!
Yes, I'm scared and yes I'm excited....but this is my journey and I have to believe that sooner or later I will hold my baby in my arms!